Wednesday, October 16, 2019

Infant Loss Awareness Month

I have wanted to share this story for a long time but never got around to it. With it being pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, I feel this is the best time.

Not many know, but three years ago I was pregnant! 
My angel baby
We were not really planning on it but we were ready for a second baby. So we were still happy!
I found out the end of August that I was pregnant and was so excited!I did not confirm the pregnancy until September when I was about 5 weeks. I went to my doctor and he did an ultrasound and low and behold baby Oladimeji #2 was there! I was even more excited because my due date was on my birthday! I was already planning how we would celebrate our birthdays! 

Life went on as normal. We told Seyi when I was about 10 weeks that she would be a big sister and she was praying for a baby brother. (which she still asks for today 😂). I however wanted another girl. I always wanted a girl. I did not check the gender early. I was planning on waiting till my 18 week appointment. 

The next three months from when I found out I was pregnant were busy months. In August I travelled to New Jersey twice. In September I went to Minnesota and also travelled to New Jersey. In October, I was in Vegas for a conference. In November I travelled back to New Jersey and then to Florida during Thanksgiving. I still made all my appointments and felt great. My doctor approved all my travelling and said I was doing great!

By November, my little bump started slightly showing but not noticeable to many and I still covered it up. I had planned on doing a pregnancy announcement during Christmas since we were hosting guests over. I had the cutest announcement planned that Seyi would do. 

We went to Orlando during Thanksgiving. The day before Thanksgiving, I had my 14 week check up and baby still had a strong heartbeat. My doctor wished me a wonderful trip and said he'd see me in 4 weeks. 
We had a great time at Disney! I still felt great and took it very easy. 

About two weeks after we got back, I did start feeling weird. I did not feel pregnant anymore. I noticed that my bump wasn't getting any bigger. I remember telling my husband and he said baby will probably be small like Seyi. I said okay btu in my heart I still didn't feel quite right. But I continued to keep myself busy and took my mind off how I was feeling. 

However, early in the morning on December 15th I woke up to use the bathroom and start getting ready for work It was about 5am. I noticed blood on my underwear. I yelled for my husband while crying. He tried to calm me down and reminded me that when I was pregnant with Seyi i bled a little and it was due to me being Rh- so he said let's just go to the ER and get it checked. 

I called my boss and gave her a heads up. Thankfully, Seyi's daycare at that time opened at 5:45am so we dropped her early. I also called my doctor's office and they told me to go to the ER. Once we got there it didn't take long to get it. They ordered an ultrasound and I remember being so terrified because I kind of knew. Well the ultrasound tech didn't want to show us the screen so much and I didnt care to look. At one point she was like well there's the baby but she's measuring 14 week (mind you, I was 18 weeks at this time). I was like are you sure I should be 18 weeks now. She kept saying let me check again and my hubby was like well our first was a small baby lol. I'm like  hunny it's going to be okay. I asked the tech if there was a heartbeat and that's when she called the doctor and when my heart broke. 

The doctor came in and broke the news that there was no heartbeat and that he called my doctor who was on the way. My doctor came in and confirmed while I was crying and hubby was crying. I finally calmed down to hear what he had to say. He wanted to run some tests and then he asked if I wanted to naturally deliver the baby or do a D&C to remove the baby surgically. I chose the D&C because I could not bare the thought of having a dead baby still inside me. While they prepped me for surgery I cried hysterically and asked God why. 

Once I woke up from the surgery and we were cleared to go home, we called our parents to break the news. I think my mom called my whole family who didn't even know I was pregnant. I was upset at first but as I got calls to console me many people told me how they had gone through a miscarriage before. I literally had no idea. I then wondered why so many women are silent about it. I understand the hurt and pain but hearing their stories encouraged me and I was able to encourage other women. 

My miscarriage humbled me. I honestly didn't think it could happen to me. I already had one child right? I also didn't even think to ask why I lost the baby. I started to blame everything. All my travelling or the fact that I am RH- but my mom told me to stop and that God will bless me with another baby. 

After two weeks, I went to my doctor and he continued to encourage me and told me not to stress and relax and that he'll see me in two months! So life went back on; I still had to take care of myself and my family. We met with our pastor to help us cope. We prayed a lot and me and my hubby grew closer. They always say there's a rainbow after the storm  That is true because two months later I saw my doctor again as he said. I was not there for a checkup but there to confirm a pregnancy. Lo and behold I was pregnant with my rainbow baby!

I am good not but every December and May around my birthday I do get emotional. I think whether the baby would have been a girl or boy. I think that the baby would be 3 this year and so many other thoughts. 

Nonetheless, I am grateful for the lessons my angel baby taught me. 

Image result for isaiah 55 8-9

To anyone who suffered or is suffering a loss. Hold your head up high. We can never understand God's hand just trust Him through it all!

Till next time!
Kemi O. 

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